21-01-2026

 I should be studying for my exams right now, but the idea of starting a blog has been on my mind. I didn't go to class so I could study at home.
In two minutes it will be 3p.m. and all I've done so far today is watching old footage of MSI concerts, a video of someone talking about how a newly published novel by some woman is pretty much all AI slop, and I've cried listening to my exes playlist. We're gonna call her X, my ex girlfriend.
I'll have to try hard to not make all these posts about her. Already failed at that in my journal/diary; I feel like I can just easily spit out poetry like entries when she's on my mind.
I still love her. It's been over two years now. 
And I texted her this morning, too. We haven't talked in three months.
My heart just aches every time I take a look at the songs she's been listening to, when most of them have lyrics that are yearning for a specific someone, are missing this somebody. She added OUR song to her playlist.

When we were at a birthday party together, we got to make our custom shirts by drawing on plain white ones. She drew two cats holding hands, with our names under it. I had to be more careful with what I drew so I could wear the shirt at home without worrying (my parents, especially my mom, had grown to dislike her) so I doodled around a bit and drew a sun, some flowers, smileys everywhere, and wrote ''Queen Bee," a song by Matt Maltese. Our song that we loved. 
...how could she just be like, "oh yeah, I wanna listen to this!"
Do you not feel like you're getting ripped apart every time you just hear the melody of it? I hadn't touched any of the songs I used to like since she left, moved out, not even a goodbye, because I barely could even face her after our breakup, I loved her too much to realise that it was over, we wouldn't adopt a ginger cat anymore, she was always talking about how we would grow old together, but no, I would never be able to make her a cup of tea and talk about our day in the evening and cuddle and kiss and have her hand sliding down my neck and what the fuck. Devastating. 
I'm gonna use the shirt scenario for Malak and Yumna. I wanna make it clear that X is my Yumna. Yumna was born out of snippets of my memories with her. That's why she and Malak have so many misunderstandings. I don't understand X, either. Doesn't she want to see me again instead of listening to all those heartbreaking Gigi songs? She can't be thinking about somebody else while hearing those, right? Right. Right? 
Normalcy's boring, I'm over with that?
You're poison to the touch of my tongue? And I don't know why?

I'm a fraud. I told her I want to move out of my parents house as soon as I get the chance to, be fully independent. No dating anyone for the upcoming time whatsoever.
I lied. All I want is her for her to hold me. 
Words are everything to me, words are all I have. But I keep choosing the wrong thing to say.

''Her iyawo clothing would match the snow,''
I wrote this after the snow storms two weeks ago. Iyawo's are to wear white and have certain rules for a year. I had met her in october, and she was wearing a white blouse and skirt. She looked like an angel. But I would've still thought that even if she was not wearing white. "My angel" by Adrienne Lenker. Discovered that song through her a few days ago. So symbolic of you, X, if only you knew. 

(four hours later) 
She just texted me back!